ABOUT
THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy
Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a
gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a
colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ
that appears to go all over the place, at one point
passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy
explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
really hear anything he said, because my brain was
shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP
YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written
instructions, and a prescription for a product called
'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America 's enemies..
I spent the next several days
productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my
colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with
my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basicallywater,
only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a
one-liter plastic
jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I
am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal
cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly
written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state
that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement
may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after
you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with
the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I
don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever
seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend
several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to
drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far
as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I
finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to
the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be
enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms
acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with
whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes
and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist
perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little
needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have
fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying
down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep..
At first I was
ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around
in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to
burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie
wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was
waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this
point..
Andy had me roll over on my left side,
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to
the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room,
and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.
I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be
playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'
had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said
Andy, from somewhere behind me..
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time,
the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If
you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going
to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was
like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through
it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the
beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back
in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking
me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these
comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A
physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:
1.
Take it easy Doc.. You’re boldly going where no man has
gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there
yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now
legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners,
Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you
take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet
feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must
quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find
my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at
Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not
gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my
wife saying that my head is not up there?'
|
No comments:
Post a Comment